Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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