I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
