Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
