she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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