fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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