3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
what day is it and did you see me today?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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