she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
