take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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