a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
