if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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