you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
