I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
