i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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