i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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