There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
