There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
