hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
