His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
