You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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