Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
