I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
