my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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