there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
