one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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