i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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