just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
