Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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