and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
