He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
