Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
