I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
