If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
