Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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