sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He kissed a someone with a penis
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
