i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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