I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
