I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
