Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
