Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
