can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
