You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
