Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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