I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
