I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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