The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
