DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
