My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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