i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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