I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
