I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
